Foggy

English Prelim oral just finished, today I realized or should I say more aware of my vocabulary standard,way I talk and portray myself. When I was discussing about the oral stuffs with my classmates one of them used some chim word that I don't understand but I was just nodding my head and turn to face the front. At this moment, I was thinking if only my vocabulary was good I will be able to understand and make out what is said... After my oral, the examiner first sentence was "your passage is your worst" that's a little disappointing to hear. Initially, i felt that passage is my best among the other two...This make my confidence level drop even more.. I mispronunce lots of words which I always thought was pronounce like that and for some I am not sure how to even pronounce them. For the conversation, all my broken sentences came out and i was also told of misusing are and is.One of the question the examiner asked was "Whats your favourite food?." I could hardly think of anything.. Most of my problems lays within vocabulary and sentence structures. I used some words wrongly,continuously repetition. Screw it my vocabulary !

Actually the real problem is that I am not even a slightly bit good at holding a conversation with others even EVEN with people I know. So how can I even talk to a stranger,a teacher where people usually say you just need to treat it as a normal casual conversation like with your friends. I am not good at any conversation with anyone ! I don't even know how to express my thoughts,feelings and all. I don't even understand myself, what I want , what I like , what I am thinking of etc. I can't even or know how to show out my emotion or say things well in my daily life I don't know how to this and that. I am really a useless person. A person without a view of herself and not able to say what's on her mind and is just feeling miserable. Even when I feel that there's is a lot of different emotions or thoughts in my mind, I only felt them but I have no words to describe them and I don't even know what it is sometimes.  Expressiveness why is it so important why can't just someone be able to guess certain things that is on my mind or what I would want to say. I really admire those celebrities and idols who can easily take any questions from an interview without not knowing what they are suppose to say. Instead, they are really aware of their opinion and all. They need not need to hesitate much to answer the question. They don't get their words stumbled up or get chaotic about what they should say and go mind blank. Whereas for me, I am the complete opposite.

People have at least some strength or good points in them but I have none seriously just see what am I even good at ? I don't know how to play an instrument,I can't even express my own thoughts. No goal no target no opinion no character no skills no talent and the list goes on... See I am not even clear about them.  I can't even name them out.

People tell us to stop fantasying as its never going to happen but I choose not to believe it and just be a Fantasist ! It's like just let me at least have some fantasy and don't crush it. You never know how it might work out !

I have been doing and trying things that I usually won't do now as i suddenly feel that we should just do the things we want cause of YOLO (good way) lol ! So that we won't regret it ! We might not get the chance to do them if we don't seize this opportunity now ! I want to make a lot if memories,take a lot of pictures and do many fun and crazy stuffs !!! Memories is not something very secure for me as I have a poor memory where I tend to forget the feeling and what happen in the past if its too long. It's like the feelings I get to feel at that present moment seems to fade away which I really want to capture each and every detail of them.For pictures, I feared that they might somehow be lost and it seems like part of you and your memory and the things you had experienced is gone too and its like your a empty person with no past memories ! I hope that these good things can occur everyday so I will get feel them more clearly ! Really hate the feeling of emptiness when you tried to recall and feel that feeling you felt back then but cannot really remember ! Some memories are not capture in any devices at all they are only capture with your eyes and you can only remember them in your mind

Rantings

What am I to people? Whatever I do I am either being ignored or criticize.. Happy moments doesn't seem to last long for me or it never want to be there because I am there. I don't make any impact or difference in anyone life. I can't feel that I am important to anyone at all which really sucks. At least every single person have at least one people they want to feel important to and the other party feel the same way but me ? None. Some will suddenly treat you all nice and friendly like all together then out of a sudden they are all cold towards you again like total strangers. I really wonder what's going on in their minds. Sometimes we need to confine our feelings and thoughts but because your negative thoughts and complaints often made others feel bored or sick of your suckish life that they don't want to hear you out then you will only continue to feel down.
When its the people closer to you that make you feel upset or annoyed you can't talk things out to them for fear you might offend them in anyway and they might not share your point of view. It's kind of futile if you say something and the other don't understand your stand or don't get what you're trying to say. No people made an effort to understand me but only making me feel worst at times.

I am often told things like my presence is not noticeable and my words and actions are powerless to make my stand strong enough.My acts are either being ignored or treated lightly like theres no big deal. These pull me down when they are said to me. Instead of encouragement, I am getting the opposite. None even notice or know how I am feeling at a certain point of time, sometimes I will be like can't they see it ? Or maybe I feel a lot but my appearance doesn't show it or people don't even want to bother about it.

You must prove your words with your actions and way of handling it and not just empty words.

Depress

I am super stress up on where I should go after getting my results !!!!! Poly? Higher Nitec? Sec 5? OMGG...  To add on to the problem is that I don't even have targets or goals like I mention previously. Most people around me have already chosen what they want and have interest in the courses too. However, for me this is not the case, ALL THE COURSES ARE SO DAMN DIFFICULT and none seems to interest me or that I am passionate about it ! Many questions,worries,fear and more are in my mind.. Am I able to socialise? What happens if I fail? Am I able to catch up? Can I manage it myself if nobody aids and guide me? If only I have a someone with me then I guess I won't have so much fear. Someone who will be sharing my troubles,encouraging me and cheering me on. Perhaps just someone that I can truly confine to and make me feel important,happy and comfortable with them and always hanging out together or stay by one another side all the time even if they haven't able to meet for a long time or seen each other for awhile, then it will be better...Just feel close for awhile but after not meeting thats it everything begins at the starting point almost like strangers who don't even continue talking anymore. What is this ? Everyone have at least one person they can rely on but I don't have those people who exist. I seem to be always fighting alone by myself... I don't seem to have any motivation or drive now.

These are something I feel like saying them out, no offend in anyways ! Just hope some things can change !

Victoria's New Drama

Recently catching up with a new Taiwan drama featured by Victoria ! When love walked in! This drama is quite enjoyable to watch and I like some parts of the song lyrics! Go YouTube and hear it ! 

Big Bang Running Man

Viewpoint

Don't start your day with a negative attitude. It's hard to understand why so many people wake up each morning feeling defeated when each day holds so much potential. The possibilities that today offers are endless, so eagerly anticipate wonderful happenings. It's easy to let blessings go by unnoticed if you're not looking.       

I can understand why many people wake up from the start of the day with a suckish attitude you can't blame them or us it include me too.All these are cause by the things or people around us,what they do or say affect us greatly.The cause of the problem is probably the environment with are in.We are to endure with many things even though we do not want to do it,we have to.Sometimes we are sort of force into it.Things often get beyond control in life and sometimes our life get haywire and chaotic but we still have to live with it.How i wish life was much more kinder to us and i want to live each day full of meaning and colours!

~Got this quote from facebook~